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Life Application

My beloved Government finally responded to my Life Application, is  this the end of your favorite podcaster? (Bonus Show) 

Season 4, Episode 7, micro episode

Dear Mr Campbell we reviewed your application to remain a sentient human. We review many life applications so our channel was backlogged.

Thank you for your patience. I see you filled out the 30 point questionnaire along with the 5000 word essay double spaced with your address in the top left. You even took the time to answer the bonus questions and elaborated on your privilege to live. How commendable.

I’m glad you said it’s a privilege and not a right the state should keep you alive. Most applicants complicate the matter by demanding we do them a favour. These are the narcissist, the arrogant, the mouth breathers of the planet.

The government’s responsibility is to safeguards the longevity of its citizens. We live in the age of rations, of measurements and efficiencies. Allowing every earthling to consume valuable resources will be detrimental to the planet that’s why we fashioned the Life Application.

Our records reveal you watch 5 hours of Netflix, 3 hours of stupid cat videos, and 7 hours of perpetual garbage. You possess mediocre social skills with zero return on your investment since you invested small change on relationships.

You had time to change and develop a spiritual consciousness rather than feeding on the nonsense of the underdeveloped and spending your days subservient to the hand of chaos. I guess we all make our choices.

I see on your application you posted your degrees as if education equals being a good human. Applicants often brag about their credentials and all of their stock investments.

Your ability to generate money and live comfortably is not what we’re looking for. You’re mistaking us for your previous government whose only concern was to turn a profit.

For the aforementioned reasons we have to terminate your life application. Please don’t take it personal.

Mr Campbell, do you notice the red dot on your chest, yes that red dot on your chest. We’re going to pull the trigger now, best regards: the Canadian government.

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